Recently, a friend of mine said that I should write my thoughts down in a journal or something. Now, me personally, I suck at keeping a journal….or anything close to a journal. Even on the mission, I was terrible at keeping a journal. Thankfully, there are still some things I can remember. And then again, there are some things that I’ve forgotten.
So, im deciding to write a series of blogs, simply so I can get my thoughts out. Kind of a form of “typed venting” or just to share my opinions with other that may care. It’s, in a sense, my “two cents”. But everyone uses that phrase, so I’ll use my own….”my own 2 ½ cents”. Different? Slightly. Original? Not even close.
Being back home from the Georgia Macon Mission for a month now, there has been quite a few changes. Some small ones, some big ones. I look at it now as a “RM Musical”. Just hold on, and it’ll explain itself. Hopefully. Maybe.
Right before I left, I thought I was going to take missionary world by storm. Finding out later on I was going to Georgia, I was all the more excited. Of course I knew it was going to be hard. I’d be an enormous idiot with a capital “idiot” if I thought it’d be easy. During this time, I was writing an amazing girl. She was strong in the Gospel and a great, virtuous young lady. (Im not revealing her name as you will find out later.) I was “twitterpated” you could say. I had high hoped for the future…in the “marriage” aspect with her. It was like,
“In two more years, my sweetheart, we will see another view
Such longing for the past for such completion
What was once golden has now turned a shade of grey
I've become crueler in your presence
They say: "be brave, there's a right way in a wrong way"
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years so hold on” (Bloc Party, “Two More Years”)
Only two more years, right?
Well, as I arrived at the Missionary Training Center; I was 3 parts: excited, anxiety, and perspiration. After going separate ways with my family for the last time in two years, it was getting real now. Imagine being placed in a room with 11 other missionaries in a brick classroom in the middle of the summer in Utah. Smelly and sweaty as heck, but it was fun. On July 25, it was go time to Georgia.
Now…im not gonna give a play-by-play of everything that happened on the mission. Theres not enough I could say about it. I wish I had been more mature early on rather than later. But, im grateful for those lessons I did learn…even the hard way. How else was I supposed to learn? Would I change anything I did? Some things I would do differently now. But overall, I wouldn’t change anything. I did what I did to learn what I had to learn. Through all this, the great young lady still was writing me and such. I was happy for the future, albeit a little afraid of the unknown.
I arrived home on July 7th. It was great to see my mom and dad and little brother once again. I was a little bit ignorant to the fact that many changes happen over the span of two years. “Mr. Gullible” right here thought that only a little would change, but overall the whole would stay he same. Yeah right. The day after I returned home, I got the news of that the “amazing” girl I was writing and talking to for 2 ½ years had gotten a boyfriend…5 days earlier. And that she was very happy and very content in telling me, in a sense, “Get bent stupid. Find someone else.” Oh freak yeah, I was crushed. My hopes for this “blissful, wonderful future” were crushed. It hurt for a while, but over it. Still a wee bit bitter, but over it the most part.
'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Treading the sea of a troubled mind
I had to leave myself behind
Singin' bye-bye goodbye I tried
If you wrote me off
I'd understand it
'Cause I've been on
Some other planet
So come pick me up
I've landed...
And you will be so
Happy to know
I've come along
It's over
And I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's okay to call
And I will answer for myself
Come pick me up...
Come pick me up...
I've landed.” (Ben Folds, “Landed”)
Since then, it hasn’t been all easier either. No money, no car, no phone, no job (hey, I am working on that). Multiple girls that I’ve known for a while and thought that I’d let them know that I like them. No other way that they’ll know, right? Well….been shot down multiple times. Not interested in me or just plain taken. Now don’t get me wrong….im not premiering the newest episode of “Woe is Me”, its just stating the fact. It’s been a little over whelming at times. You think someone likes you and then…
BAM!!!
They don’t after all.
Hard to swallow at times? Yes. Seeing others find ones that they love and are happy with kinda gets to you at times. I know, I know…some say, “If your girlfriend doesn’t wait for you, your wife will” or “love may be blind, but marriage is an eye-opener”. Yada yada yada. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had a girlfriend. Why? If you can give me a good answer, I might slightly believe you. It’s been hard. A lot of doubting myself, putting myself down, etc. the works…
“When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you” (Coldplay, “Fix You”)
I love music. I love how some music has personal relevance for me, I can relate to it. Remember the “RM Musical”? Yeah…that’s what I meant. Although I love music, I love the scriptures more. Through all this, theres one scripture I love that I should read and study more often now. It’s Doctrine & Covenants 64: 33-34.
“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days.”
After all that’s been said and done, what can I say? Well…I don’t have ruby red shoes, but there’s no place like home.
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