If there was a rewind button option given for this last week, i wouldn't have pressed it to go back (because the past is in the past), but i would have more so violently broken the button. You don't get rewinds in life, even though sometimes they would seem nice. Eventually one comes to grips with reality learns to deal with what has been handed them and to do the best with it. There is a quote from my oldest brother's high school graduation on my fridge back home in Colorado that reads, "I'm convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how i react to it." And judging by that 90%, when heartache or other inconveniences come, i don't immediately react too well. I proverbially trip into a pit and want others to not bother helping me out going, "oh great, this again!" I admit, it does get tiring. But why all the grief and the pain? Others seem to do well enough in my predicament of trying to find an eternal companion. Like those that don't try too hard, seem have it fall into their lap. Those trying hard, like myself, seem to find it more difficult than serving a mission....taking a breath to step back and wonder about it all, i notice that the word "seem" appears quite often. My side is very one-sided. I don't see too much of their own struggles. The point of this is that: all the hardships we're given are always conquerable. We're promised by the Lord that we won't be tried more than we can handle, so He wants us to learn something about ourselves...that we can handle what's thrown at us. Abraham was tested so that he could learn something about Abraham.
What do i learn from feeling like i was shot point blank in the heart last week? That i can take it and make something out of it. You go from feeling like a champ in the fight to be knocked out cold, staring at yourself in the mirror covered with cuts and bruises. More realistically, pleading with God to understand the "why?", the "what now?", and the "how?" to do it all. Lately, those answers have come in the form of friends with A LOT patience and the straight-forward, blunt advice of a father that is always welcome. Christ has His hand extended to someone like me, waiting for me to get up and reach for it.
I'm slowly learning more and more lessons for my life. It will make me a better husband, a better father, and just a better person overall. Lately i put on facebook: "dear future kids, im trying my best down here." Yes, i do wonder about those things, it's not as weird as you might think. I want to be the best person i can be that my kids looking down would be proud of. And my future wife (whoever and wherever she is) would appreciate that too.
So i said that i'm slowly learning, and i am...it'll take patience from others as well as myself. Don't give up on me just yet. Yes, "the best is yet to be", Mr Browning.
